I was never a vengeful girl. Even if someone hurt me, I tried to find excuses for this person.
I tried to justify the behavior of such a person to myself and I did my best to forgive that person.
When I think about it, that did not make me a perfect person.
I do not know if I was that way because of this person or because it made it easier for me. It has always felt liberating to forgive, and it has helped me keep going.
I thought that there is nothing that you can not overlook after a while.
Until our paths have crossed.
You have changed a lot in me.
You have influenced my view of the world, my opinion about men, and about people in general. You have destroyed my self-image and ruined my belief in love and humanity. But that’s something I got used to.
After a lot of hard work, I accepted the person you made me. I accepted my new self.
But what I can never accept is the fact that you have destroyed my ability to forgive. Because it’s not forgivable what you did to me.
Sometimes I think it was your mission to destroy me from the beginning.
I’ll never find out why you’ve caused me such pain, but that’s not important anymore.
The fact is, you hurt me to the bone. You injured me for my life and caused me scars. And you did not do that when you left me.
Our relationship was pure hell for me.
Of course there were also nice moments. And I have clung to these beautiful moments. These were the moments why I stayed with you for years.
But the bad things you did to me ruined all the good things. Today I only remember the bad things.
I only remember the pain, the humiliation, the tears.
I remember thinking like I was going crazy. I remember how you manipulated me. I remember your jealousy and your possessive behavior. I remember that you controlled me. I remember how I gave you everything while in return I did not get anything from you.
I remember all the sleepless nights I prayed for you to change. I remember the emotional abuse and all the mornings that I wished I did not wake up. I remember how I felt helpless and hopeless.
I remember how I saw no way out.
And the important thing is that I remember you leaving me after all the things you did to me.
I remember that I wanted you to come back to me, even though I knew it would completely destroy me.
I remember how I felt exploited and unloved, feeling empty and exhausted from all the pain you gave me. That I felt that I would never be good enough for a man because I was obviously not good enough for the man I already gave everything I had.
I remember how broken I was and how I thought I had no reason to go on living. I remember the desperation that I saw in my eyes every time I looked in the mirror.
Although I am feeling better now, you have left an imprint in my soul and in my heart.
And that’s why I do not want you to live your life as if nothing had happened, like you did not hurt me. That’s why I want you to feel guilty and that you can never find your peace. And that’s why I can not forgive you.
I’m sorry, but I can not ignore it and wish you the best.
I do not want you to be happy.
Instead, I want you to be plagued with guilt as long as I feel the pain and desperation.
I want you to go through all the things I had to endure and I want you to feel the things that I felt because of you.
Although you are happy, I hope there is a voice in your head that reminds you of what you did to me. Even if you completely forget me, I wish that you wake up in the middle of the night plagued by guilt and do not know why you feel so.
Even though you will ever change, I want you to always remember that there is a woman whose life you have destroyed and I want you to never find your peace.
Call me a bad or vengeful man, but I hope that it will haunt you forever, because it is the least that you deserve.